You know how every single superhero movie made after the Dark Knight Trilogy just had to be a super-dark gloomy drama thing? How every superhero movie made after that trilogy was a fragile attempt at being that kind of movie? Well, that is a pretty decent summary of "Serena" a brand new, free game on steam. It is a game that tries so hard to be games like Dear Esther and Gone Home, those gloomy exploration-based games that are narrated by a depressed narrator. It tries so hard, and falls so low. But the question I now ask is this: Is Serena the worst game I've ever played?
And, my friends, the answer is yes. Let me say it again: I have found a game worse than "Brink," which up until this point was the worst game I'd played. And the game that takes away this position is: Serena.
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Now, let me be clear. Brink was an angry kind of worst game, Serena is a shake my head kind of worst game. I spent a long time fuming with anger about how much I hated Brink, but I spent most of my time in Serena laughing, shaking my head, and asking myself "what the hell is this?" This is mostly due to George Lucas, who narrates this story...well...not really, but the guy sounds a lot like him. And he does such a lukewarm, uninspired job of it that I couldn't help but hold my head in my hands as he whined and moaned around the house. But let me take a step back first. The idea behind Serena is that you play as a man who lives with his wife (you guessed it: Serena) in a small, two-room cabin (a kitchen and a bedroom). The two-room cabin is your entire walking space, and you are trying to...figure out what happened?....Well, I guess that is what has to happen considering the lack of objectives or any sort of orienteering. Now, this is where it gets funny...unintentionally. You see, like in Dear Esther, the protagonist of Serena narrates about his sadness, but the writing and voice acting are so bad that it is embarrassing. Just imagine Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" in videogame form, and you will have a decent idea of what it is like to listen to this whiny, poorly developed protagonist lament about the objects in his house. Seriously. It is amazing. He says the word "Serena" in just about every sentence that he utters, as if to really, really, really drive in the game title. There are really only so many words one can use to describe this, so I've attached a video so that you can experience the voice acting and the writing.
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"The windows were mucky. Serena. The cabin was cold. Serena. I had corn on the cob stuck in my hand. Serena."
Now lets talk about the game itself. Like I said, Serena takes place in a two-room cabin. But heres the thing, though. You can't walk around in it. Thats right. They give you this three-dimensional space...and they don't let you move. Well...you can move, but it is a poorly done point-and-click style movement. I am fine with point-and-click, I really am. A little bit later I'm going to be reviewing a point-and-click game that I loved, "Broken Age." But heres the thing: point-and-click games typically allow you to move places. In Serena, there are fixed focal points around the cabin that you have to point exactly at with your mouse before you move there. It is absolutely infuriating to have to cover every inch of house with my mouse before I can move. It makes reaching simple things like a cabinet that is on the other side of a piece of wall into a chore. But even if you could move, there isn't much incentive to. Here is how the game works (I discovered this after about an hour of trying to figure out what to flipping do!): You point and click around the house, click on every object in the house three times, listen to whinygeorgelucas Mc'gee lament about Serena this and love that, hear the clock chime, rinse and repeat. That is the entire thing. There is literally no enjoyment to be found in this game. Hell. FACEBOOK GAMES involve more brain cell use than Serena does. At least in Facebook games you have to like, I don't know, click on missions sparingly at some points or something like that. But in Serena, rest assured, you could play while asleep, and you probably will be asleep at some point. Don't get me wrong, I am more of a story person than a gameplay person, but even if this game had a good story, the game needs to be flipping playable. This game only barely makes the mark of playability inbetween the mouse glitching out and forcing me to try moving all over again and me just wanting to throw this game out a window.
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"Hey guys! Did you kno--Serena. Lovely weather we're ha--Serena. Skimmimarinkyrinkyrin--Serena."
But that isn't even the most stupid part about this game. There are two spaces in the house that you can't open until a certain point in the clicking process. But you get no indication of when that is, and there is zero justification for it. For instance, the first of the two spaces is a trunk full of memories. It is right there, ready to be opened, but whinybadvoiceacting Mc'gee just says, "so many memories turning to dust. I want to open it," and then proceeds to not open it. What. The living. Hell? Now, what eventually happens is, as the clicking process proceeds, ohyoudidn'tliketheStarWarsprequelsIcan'thearyouoverthesoundofmypaycheck Mc'gee gets more worked up, and his anger causes him to be able to open up the--oh who am I kidding that's total bull. But that is the apparant explanation for it. No. No. No. Sorry, but that ain't cutting it. It is just a lazy design choice made to make this already too long and too expensive (despite being free) game longer! Seriously! Who thought that this was a good idea, and when are they going to get fired? Because what I really wanted to do was click on the same four or five doggoned flip-flappity objects all over again for a second time! Why? Gah! Grrrrr! Grrrrrrrrr! It is a darn good thing this game is free, because I would hate to see such glorified laziness get any sort of profit.
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"This is a painting. Serena. Do you have a moment to talk about global warming? Serena. Sometimes when I'm alone, I like to stick my pinky in my ear and then sniff it. Serena."
In the end, there is not a single aspect of this game that is good. There is a plot twist at the end, but it is one that is in no way surprising. It is exactly what I expected was going to happen right from the start. I picked up this free download because, from the pictures and the reviews, it looked like it was going to be great. Even with the point and click aspect advertised I thought it was going to be interesting. But no. The story is bland, the writing is horrible and horribly implemented, the voice acting is awful, the movement is flawed and glitchy and infuriating, the entire gameplay premise is worse than a Facebook game, and the progression mechanic is a lazy, amateur, sloppily developed mess. This game is advertised as a massive undertaking, but I have trouble imagining this as the work of anyone with a shred of competence or pride in their work. Get ready for a once in a lifetime statement, fellows. Bioshock: Infinite had some positive qualities to it, even Brink had one or two positive qualities to it. But Serena has none. There is no reason on Earth why this game should be played. Do not pick up this game even though it is free. Don't do it. It is the worst game I have ever played.
0/10
Whatever this group is, please don't make any more games.
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