"Panzermadels" Review - Yes...I went there.

Whether you came to this blog and saw the title or you were scrolling through Facebook and saw a post from me with anime girls and did a doubletake, you are here now, so let me explain myself. I was scrolling through steam the other day and happened across this game, and I saw the subtitle "Tank Dating Simulator." I did as severe a double-take as you probably did upon seeing this review and found myself intrigued, so I clicked on it to learn more. I then found myself laughing into a splitting headache at the sheer ridiculousness of the concept. From the moment I learned what the premise was, I knew that I was going to have to play and review it. I was going to have to brave the possibly steamy nature of the game and experience this concept.
Now, I have never played either a visual novel or a dating simulator before, so I didn't quite know what to expect. Given that Panzermadels takes on an anime art style (and given what kinds of really freaky people I imagine might be involved in the creation of dating simulators), I was bracing myself for rampant objectification and cringeworthily shy anime girls. Thankfully the latter never really happens, and the former...well...there is an aspect of this game that is definitely objectification, but I'll touch on that later. The entire rest of the game gives all of its female characters independence and strong-willedness, though, so rest assured that the entire game is not blatantly sexist.
The result? Panzermadels may be on the GOTY list, not in the running for the title itself, but on the list definitely. I'm serious. Don't sit there and judge me. Just read on and let me tell you why. Who knows? You might learn something.
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In case the afore-mentioned subtitle didn't clue you in as to what exactly the ridiculous concept of Panzermadels is, I'll spell it out. In Panzermadels you play as Erwin Lemmor, a military academy student who has been transferred to a tank school in Japan to learn the intricacies of armored vehicle warfare. However, there is a mix up with his orders, and instead of going to tank school, he ends up going to "tank school"...as in a school for tanks...and all the tanks look like anime schoolgirls. It makes no sense whatsoever, but that is just the way things are in this universe. As the story progresses, you'll mingle with your classmates such as M4 Sherman, Panzer IV, and Tiger I. What ensues is a dating simulator carried out in the style of a visual novel. Now, the game is marketed as a dating simulator, but I would argue that visual novel is a more appropriate label. You only spend a little bit of the game's approximately two-hour run time doing anything remotely date-y, and the rest of the time is spent progressing through the story.
Given the two-hour run time, there really isn't that much story to be had in this game, but what we have is about as compelling as an anime plot involving a school can be. It obviously isn't the deepest thing in the world, but it is a fun story that gets the job done. However, when it comes to games like Panzermadel, the strength tends to be in its characters.
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Some might claim that the characters in Panzermadels are one-dimensional or focus on just one character trait. Such people would be correct. This is a game with fantastic character development...just with characters that aren't particularly deep.
What I mean by this is that a lot of time went into making each character what they are, and it really shows. There are characters like the sergeant who are literally just there to be the comic relief, but the rest of the characters are tanks. As such, each tank's personality is created by looking at the pros and cons of their real life tank counterparts. For example, there is a character named Tiger I, based off of the tank by the same name. This tank was known for being hard to handle and for constantly facing technical difficulties. Tiger I (the character), as a result, is extremely self-conscious and suffers from low self-esteem. Every tank is handled in this way, and it is incredibly clever. It means that the tanks typically have just one character trait, but I can't help but love just how clever the way they handled these characters is.
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Like I said, I've never played a visual novel before, but I imagine they are all kind of like this: a game where really the only thing you do is read and make choices occasionally. I don't typically have a problem with that...but in this case...there is going to be a Right Trigger first. I've never taken points off because of a game's genre before, but Panzermadels is truly held back by its visual novel aspects. I'm serious. The visual novel side of this game actually takes away from the experience. This is a game that would have benefitted from a more RPG maker style of gameplay. It could still be nothing but reading and choice making, but what this game sorely needed was a sense of agency for the player. As it stands, I was able to play through this game about five times to get all possible options, but the actual replay value is relatively low because all there is to this game is clicking. Even if all the content were exactly the same, giving the player the ability to walk around and initiate the dialogue would have drastically increased the value to be found in this game.
Another thing this game lacked that it sorely needed was some degree of consequence in your choices. To be fair, choices make a difference to the end result of your relationships. If you keep making choices that favor Panzer IV, for instance, she would be an option for you to romance by the end. The game does it's job there. However, these same choices have no effect whatsoever on interactions throughout the game. Characters will give you the exact same dialogue no matter which character you favor. In the less critical story moments, a character who you went on a date with won't flirt with you a little more as a result. Once again, this really decreases the replay value.
Nowhere is the lack of choice consequence more evident than the ending, however. The ending feels very rushed, and though it is possible to get a different ending if you choose one of the tanks as your love interests, the rest of the endings are literally exactly the same, and the epilogue is exactly the same across all choices. There was no payoff for choosing your tank, which kind of makes you wonder why you spent two hours wooing said tank. Even if they kept the disappointing ending, if they had altered the epilogue to take your choices into account, the blow would have been softened.
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In the introduction, I mentioned that there was an aspect of this game that was, in fact, objectification. I will now talk about that. Just a note before I do so, however: I am cringing just thinking about writing what I'm about to write, so if you feel uncomfortable while reading this section, just know that it hurts me more.
Ultimately the end goal of Panzermadels is to successfully start a relationship with one of the tanks. There are five options here, and you can only successfully get with one per play through. All your hard work culminates in taking the tank back to your place and...well...as the game might put it..."slamming into enemy lines over and over again." Thankfully, there is no cringeworthy "scene" or anything like that. However, what makes this part of the game a little iffy from an egalitarian standpoint is the fact that you are rewarded with a piece of artwork depicting your tank of choice in a...let's say "compromising" position. Now, these pieces are tasteful as things like these go. There isn't any actual nudity in these pieces, so they don't really over sexualize the tanks, but they are added to your "gallery." There is a gallery on the main menu in which you can go back and view these pieces of artwork again.
Given how much I talked up the fact that there was an objectifying aspect of this game, maybe you're now saying to yourself, "Well, that isn't that bad." Granted, that is true. Heaven knows there are far more morally iffy uses of female characters in games out there than just a gallery of pictures of characters who actually have quite a bit of agency in the story. However, I personally couldn't shake the cringeworthy feeling of...oh geez..."utilizing my armor piercing rounds" on a tank and then hanging a slightly risque image of said tank in a personal gallery. I won't take any points off for it because it is an entirely optional side of the game that has literally no impact on anything. However, if this is the kind of thing that will actively take away from your experience, then I would say that maybe you'll want to sit this one out.
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It is easy to look at a game like Panzermadels and write it off as just another anime-style visual novel kind of thing. It is easy to look at it and think you know exactly what you are in for. However, when you actually dip your feet in, when you decide to give it a shot because the concept sounds unique, you may be surprised to find a genuinely funny game with one of the most cleverly executed concepts in recent memory. Panzermadels is not a perfect game by any means, but this is one case where the sheer force of the positives softens the blow from the negatives. The $10 asking price might be a little steep for a game that can be completed in 2 hours, but if you are like me and you enjoyed it enough to play through five times, then the price can be forgiven. All in all, I came to Panzermadels for the concept and stayed for that and nearly everything else.

So, let us review:
Lack of Player Agency -0.8
No Consequences for Choices -0.6

The final score for Panzermadels is...
8.6/10 - Quite Good
Excellent work, DEVGRU-P, excellent work.